Not everyone sees the game from the same angle you do.
We had posted in our teacher's mail room a very insightful cartoon. It had two frames or scenes. The first frame was of two parents with their child meeting with the child's teacher. It was easy to interpret the tone of the meeting. The parents were very unhappy with their child's performance in that teacher's class. The first frame's caption indicated the first scene took place in the 1960's. The second frame was the same exact scene with two parents, their child and the teacher only in this frame the parents were indicating their dissatisfaction with the teacher. The second caption indicated the scene was in the 1990's. Has the relationship between parents
and coaches/teachers changed? I believe it has. I also believe part of the reason many coaches leave coaching is because of hostile interactions with parents. Is it worse than it was say thirty years ago? I do not know. I have my share of stories to tell. Now I do not pretend to tell you I was always maligned unfairly. I made mistakes. It's the tone and intensity of the confrontations that concern me. Attend any coaching clinic and you can see coaches standing around discussing issues they have had with parents. By far the single biggest issue I have witnessed, is over playing time. I am going to share some ideas on how to deal with these issues. If you are a new or young coach or a veteran of many seasons, if you coach boys or girls, if you are winning or losing, it makes no difference. Be prepared to face an upset parent(s). Follows are some thoughts and suggestions about how to deal with this inevitable conflict:
A) Have a parent meeting before the season and communicate your
expectations about playing time, role identification, etc. I told parents
during a pre-season meeting I would not talk to them about playing time,
other players, or game strategies. I welcomes other concerns and tried
to be available for players to communicate concerns to me and the
coaching staff.
B) Encourage players, rather than parents, to come to you with playing time
concerns. When they do, I would recommend you have another coach
present during those discussions.
C) If possible, before the first game, meet with your players and let them
know what their roles were. Some are going to be starters, some are
going to come off the bench at any time, and some were going to play
when I believed the game had been decided.
D) We had a Parent/Player guide that outlined our playing time philosophy
at each level. Coaches at each level still had the responsibility to
determine how playing time would be distributed.
E) Document encounters with hostile parents. If possible, have a third party
present.
F) Control your emotions and refrain from verbally attacking their child or
the parent. Sometimes you may be the only "adult" in the room.
G) If this confrontation happens after a game, tell the parent to contact you
the next day, so both of you have time to calm down. An emotional
confrontation right after a game, usual will make matters worse not
better.
H) Inform your A.D. that a confrontation has occurred. The A.D. may be the
next person confronted so don't leave them unprepared or uninformed.
I) If you are the head coach, and a confrontation occurs with a member of
your coaching staff, make sure they contact you immediately so you can
be prepare for a possible contact from the parent. Being blind sided by an
angry person, almost always puts you on the defensive whether you
should be or not.
When I first started coaching, I was naive enough to believe that if you ran a
good program and was successful, you would not have problems with parents. It is very short sighted not to be prepared for conflicts. Often the
conflict catches you unprepared. Admit mistakes if you have made them
and move on. Realize you are probably not going to get the parent(s) to see things from your perspective. Sometimes the best you can do is allow the parent(s) to vent. Try not to be defensive. At some point in time it comes down to who has the responsibility for determine playing time? Of course it is the coach. If it isn't, you need to resign as quickly as possible.
Today social media has become a common communication thread to voice
displeasure with what you are doing as a coach. If I received a negative email from a parent, I first forwarded the email to our Ad. Second, I responded to the email as professionally as I could (even if it I wanted to retaliate). If the emails continued, I know longer responded to them. I simply forwarded them to the AD. Sometimes the social media contacts
are used to try and draw you into an argument. Let it go you will not, in most cases "win" the argument. I NEVER talked to the player who's parent was
being confrontational. I have found in the majority of cases player's handle
playing time situations much better than parents do!
Personally, I would like to see the AD be much more proactive in reducing
these types of conflicts from occurring. I believe a preseason mandatory parental meeting might be helpful at which the AD clearly states the coach is in charge and if you have concerns you MUST contact the coach no sooner than 24 hours after the game. Also give the parents guidelines as to how and when they should contact the coach if they have concerns.
I have had several very POSITIVE meeting with parents in which they shared
concerns that their child had and I always took the meetings seriously. For
example, I had a sincere conversation with a parent who's child felt I was being to "hard" on him. It forced me to evaluate how I was communicating
with that child. I appreciated being made aware of how the player viewed
our relationship.
I once heard a speaker at a coaching clinic say he believed most parents
would rather their child be named All State than their team go to state. I find that very sad if it is indeed true.
Right on Rich!