The "Real" Coaches

Like many of you, I have had my moments with parents, and some have been confrontational in nature. I have expressed my concern and frustrations with parents who feel the need to intervene on behalf of their children. But it would be unfair of me not to acknowledge the fact that the overwhelming majority of interactions I have had with parents, was positive and professional in nature.

To the overwhelming majority of players, parents are the most important coaches. The athletic coach attempts to teach the game and some life skill lessons, but the real coaches are the parents. I grew up on a small farm and had two imperfect parents as we almost all have. My father was a quiet gentle man who worked hard on the farm and also held a job in town. He provided for his family, never was in debt, and never complained about his lot in life. He did not intentionally do it, but he raised an insecure workaholic son. His youngest son. His son was a good student and a good athlete. He went to church and taught Sunday school. He never got into any serious trouble. Only years later, did the youngest son come to realize he was driven to earn the approval and love of his Father. You see my Dad grew up in the era of silence when it came to expressing his love and approval of his sons. Maybe you can relate. I wanted and needed to know my Dad was proud of me but I never heard him say it or even felt it. I am not angry with him, but it did impact me. I decided to find a way to earn his approval ..... it didn't work. Did it push me to over achieve in some areas? Yes, it probably did, but it also left some scares. The amazing aspect of this dynamic is, even after his death, I still tried to do things to make him proud of me!

Now the purpose of the previous paragraph was not to gender up guilt or sympathy. My parents taught me right and wrong. Took me to church. Taught me a work ethic that has served me well and I will be forever grateful to them. I was so fortunate to be born and raised the way I was.

Parents have, in my opinion, the toughest coaching job in the world but it is also the most important. All of you know the statistics of children who are raised in single parent homes. Parenting is a tough gig whether both parents are in the home or not. The responsibilities of parents can be overwhelming. The pressures and stresses can be debilitating. Real coaching is not for cowards. Our culture seems to imply that entertainers, politicians, and athletes are heroes ..... they are in most cases NOT. As Theodore Roosevelt once said ... "The real (coaches) heroes are the ones who are actually in the arena." Often real coaching is a thankless job. Try to imagine your teenage child thanking you for not allowing them to attend a party or for discipling them because they failed to do their chores? I have often said, a lot of attitudinal issues with teenagers could have been solved by cleaning out a calf pen! Amazing how a pitchfork and some manure smell will influence behavior! (You had to have been raised on a farm to appreciate this approach.)

One of the problems with real coaching is there are no time outs. No holidays. No sick leave. No breaks in the daily grind. I was raised on a small dairy farm. You know how many days a year we didn't milk the cows? You as a real coach are in the same job. You can't be replaced by a substitute. For the real coach there is no substitute. Pardon the bun, but your kids need the real thing! Parenting is a lot like coaching. If you spend to much time in the past you fail to deal with the present. Just like in coaching. if you spend the present lamenting the past, you may forfeit the future. I know this is a shock but NONE of us have not failed at times in doing our jobs. We can't let failure define us. The coaching job you're doing is to important.

"We all cast a shadow."

I thought this article might be a good way to end this blog topic:

"HOW TO ESTABLISH RAPPORT WITH YOUR ATHLETIC CHILD"

by Lloyd Percival

1) MAKE SURE THAT YOUR CHILD KNOWS THAT - WIN OR LOSE, SCARED OR HEROIC, YOU LOVE THEM, APPRECIATE THEIR EFFORTS AND ARE NOT DISAPPOINTED IN THEM. This will allow them to do their best, to avoid developing a fear of failure based on the specter of disapproval and family disappointment if they do mess up.

2) TRY YOUR BEST TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST ABOUT YOUR CHILD'S ATHLETIC ABILITY, THEIR COMPETITIVE ATTITUDE, SPONSORSHIP AND ACTUAL SKILL LEVEL.

3) BE HELPFUL DON'T "COACH" THEM ON THE WAY TO THE TRACK, DIAMOND OR COURT ... ON THE WAY BACK ... AT BREAKFAST ... AND SO ON. Sure, it's tough not to, but it's a lot tougher for the child to be inundated with advice, pep talks and often critical instruction.

4) TEACH THEM TO ENJOY THE THRILL OF COMPETITION, TO BE "OUT THERE TRYING" TO BE WORKING TO IMPROVE THEIR SKILLS AND ATTITUDES ... TO TAKE PHYSICAL BUMPS AND COME BACK FOR MORE. Don't say "winning doesn't count" because it does. Instead, develop the feel for competing, for trying hard, for having fun.

5) TRY NOT TO RE-LIVE YOUR ATHLETIC LIFE THROUGH YOUR CHILD IN A WAY THAT CREATES PRESSURE; YOU FUMBLED TOO, YOU LOST AS WELL AS YOU WON. YOU WERE FRIGHTENED, YOU BACKED OFF AT TIMES, AND YOU WERE NOT ALWAYS HEROIC. DON'T PRESSURE YOUR CHILD BECAUSE OF YOUR PRIDE.

Sure, they are an extension of you, but let them make their own voyage of discovery into the world of sports... Let them sail into it without interference. Help to calm the waited when thing get stormy, but let them handle their own navigational problems. Find out what your child is all about and don't assume they feel the say you did, wants the same things, or has the sam attitude.

6) DON'T COMPETE WITH THE COACH. The young athlete often comes home and chatters on about "coach says this, coach says that," ad nauseam. This, I realize is often hard to take. When a certain degree of disenchantment about the coach sets in, some parents side with the youngster and are happy to see him/her shot down. This is a mistake. It should provide a chance to discuss (not lecture) with the youngster the importance of learning how to handle problems, react to criticism and understand the necessity for discipline, rules, regulations and so on.

7) DON'T COMPARE THE SKILL, COURAGE OR ATTITUDES OF YOUR CHILD WITH OTHER MEMBERS OF THE SQUAD OR TEAM, AT LEAST IN RANGE OF HIM/HER HEARING. And if your child shows a tendency to resent the treatment he gets from the coach, or the approval other team members get, be careful to look over the facts quietly and try to provide fair and honest counsel. If you play the role of the over protective parent who is blinded to the relative merits of your youngster and his actual status as an athlete and individual, you will merely perpetuate the problem

8) YOU SHOULD ALSO GET TO KNOW THE COACH SO THAT YOU CAN BE ASSURED THAT HIS/HER PHILOSOPHY, ATTITUDES, AND ETHICS AND KNOWLEDGE ARE SUCH THAT YOU ARE HAPPY TO EXPOSE YOUR CHILD TO HIM.

9) ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT CHILDREN TEND TO EXAGGERATE, BOTH WHEN PRAISED AND WHEN CRITICIZED. Temper your reactions to the tales of woe or heroics they bring home.

10) MAKE A POINT OF UNDERSTANDING COURAGE AND THE FACT THAT IT IS RELATIVE. There are different kinds of courage. Some of us can climb mountains but are frightened to get into a fight; others can fight without fear but turn to jelly if a bee approaches. Everyone is frightened in certain areas-nobody escapes fear and that is just as well since it often helps us avoid disaster. To me the coaching job the parent has is the toughest one of all and it takes a lot of effort to do it well.